12/02/00

Warning: I have no idea what I'm about to write....forgive me... contains: humour, silliness, Placebo Crossover, Me...yes....i'll do the mary sue thing...don't ask.....i dunno what else right now.....

Holy Jesus On A Pogo Stick: Part 1

by Dead Blush

"But I don't want one!" Brian whined.

"Look, Bri, sweetie, baby, darling, my sweet prince.... you know good and well that four tracks for this new album require a female voice for back up. Sure, Shirley Manson worked well in the studio, but she can't go on tour with us...she has a life and a band of her own...duh! Besides, this tour is going to rock...one little girl won't hurt..." Placebo's Tour Manager type person, Miranda, explained to Brian.

Brian Molko shrugged his shoulders and said, "I'm scared of girls."

"ARGH!" screamed Miranda.

"Heero, what are you doing?" Duo asked, his voice oozing with apprehension as he saw Heero primping in front of a mirror.

"Duo, you're with the paparazzi too?" Heero shouted in a British accent as he clutched his diamond necklace protectively.

Trowa serenaded to the reflection in the mirror, "Oh look at my face, my name is might have been, my name is never was, my name's forgotten...HEY, so glad you could make it, yeah, now you really made it, hey, there's only us left now!" Quatre walked into the bathroom and kissed Trowa on the cheek.

"You're my favorite diva.... you're my favorite diva," Quatre whispered to Trowa.

"Thanks, little one. The mirror is now complete with your shining light reflecting into the mirror...yadda...yadda.... I want to make hot passionate love to you with every second I look at you.... I am hopelessly in love with you," Trowa said as he stared into Quatre's eyes.

"Neat, so are we going to go to Wu Fei's speech on the importance of safe sex tonight?" Quatre asked as he picked up Trowa's toothbrush.

"Yes, my lover," replied Trowa.

Quatre brandished the toothbrush in Trowa's face.

Trowa grabbed the toothbrush and said, "I get the point, my love. I was once a nameless soldier, with very funky breath. Now that you have entered my life, I care about my breath because I love to kiss you."

Quatre sighed and barnacalized Trowa.

Relena screamed into the phone, "Hilde...my dream is finally coming true! I get to be back up singer for Brian Molko...ya know, I'll get to hang out with Placebo! YAY! Sure, I had to do a bunch of bribery stuff, but every true political figure does that! I'm so excited...I've got to go get some more silky bras now! Talk to your answering machine later on when I get back from the mall!"

Hilde sighed as she realized that not even the answering machine protected her.

"Always use condoms. Don't you understand that if you don't use condoms you c-can.... ahem... ge-get.... STDs. These...these STD's ca...can be bad for your...err....health. Great.... injustice," Wu Fei said from behind the podium.

"He's not doing a very good job, is he?" Quatre whispered to Trowa.

"No, love, he's not," replied the tall, zexy (yes, zexy) nameless soldier with funky breath who was savoring a wintergreen tic-tac.

"He's not doing a very good job, is he?" Quatre asked again.

Trowa handed some tic-tacs to Quatre to shut his beautiful lover up.

Phone transcript between Une and her ma:

"Hey, ma! How are things in Jersey?"

"Oh, great... little punk stars are blooming here and there. Teenagers having sex in the parks. It's great. How's life out in space?"

"It's alright. I'm kind of agitated because Treize needs bridgework and he's being a real bitch about it, ya know? God, I hope he never gets to be an old geezer because I am scared of the day when he'll want to discuss his prostate problems with me. Tonight he's gone to this little twerp's lecture on STDs and safe sex. He was telling me about his sexual fantasies about this guy, and you know how much that upset me."

"Honey, get over him...you can do better. God, from all you've told me, he must have way too much sex. He definitely needs a lecture on STDs."

"Ma, Treize has never gotten an STD. However, he did get someone pregnant. Agh, ya know?"

"Oh my Left Foot!"

"I know, but we're sort of hush-hush about it."

"It was that girl with the long white-blonde hair, wasn't it?"

"Ma, that's a guy....a masculine guy...named Zechs."

"Oh."

"Yeah...(cough)."

"I baked you some cookies that I will send by Express Space Mail."

"Yay."

"Oh, God..." Stefan Olsdal said as he saw Relena for the first time.

Relena walked over to where Stefan was standing, protectively clutching his portable cd player. Stefan felt his gorge rise as he saw the human Pepto-Bismol walking toward him. Relena's pink "Rockstar" shirt with rhinestones reflected in the bright sunlight. Her pink pleather pants of the same color clung to her like a second skin. This may sound pretentious, but it's true.

"You're the gay one, right?" she asked Stefan.

Stefan sighed loudly.

The End

Dead Blush