12/02/00

FINISHED THE CHALLENGE! woosh.... okay
warnings: it's one of my fics....so it's perverted and weird and silly
contains: OOC....hehe.....humour....fluff....Placebo...Me... tomato...

Holy Jesus On A Pogo Stick: Part 2

by Dead Blush

Wu Fei closed his speech and said, "We're serving refreshments now...f-f-feel free...to get some..." A couple of people in the back row giggled uncontrollably.

Hilde walked over to where Duo and Heero were standing by the punch bowl. Heero was wearing a lavender evening gown. A large diamond necklace glittered on his neck. Hilde raised her eyebrow at the two boys.

"Heero likes to pretend to be Princess Di... fetish, methinks. It's starting to worry me," explained Duo.

Heero glared at Duo, his eyes even colder because of the nice eyeliner he had on.

"Well, I've got my own problems to worry about...my love life is going to suck if I don't do something soon...." began Hilde.

Candle in the wind (Second Version) began to play as Quatre and Trowa walked over to the punchbowl area. Trowa popped a tic-tac into his mouth and greeted his friends.

"What do you mean?" asked Duo.

"What's going on? What's going on?" Quatre asked.

"Urinates Dorothy beim Schlafen!" Hilde shouted

"What? I don't understand German. I can't help you because I don't understand German, Hilde." Quatro said slightly annoyed.

Duo burst out laughing.

"Holy Jesus on a pogo stick!" Duo cried out.

Trowa translated the sentence for Quatre. Quatre smiled not very innocently and began to mentally figure out how to make this information known to the whole world. 'Dorothy wets the bed.... hehe, she wets the bed...she wets the bed!!!!!!!' Quatre thought maniacally.

"Let's go home now, Hee-chan!" Duo chirped happily...yes, chirped.

"No, well, I dunno...it's sort of dark outside. You never know when someone might want to take advantage of your princess-like assets. Can't we maybe snag a bodyguard?" begged Heero.

Duo rolled his eyes and put his arm around Heero's waist. "I'll protect ya, babe."

"Wow, guys you did great! Did I do okay? I was so nervous!" Relena said as she sat down on her bunk on the tour bus.

"Yeah, yeah, you did well. You looked a bit like Pepto-Bismol though," Brian replied as he lit a cigarette.

"What do you mean?" Relena asked in alarm.

"I mean, you look like Pepto-Bismol....just what I said," Brian said as he puffed out smoke into her face.

"Is there something wrong with wearing all green?!" Relena cried out in frustration.

"Holy Jesus on a Pogo Stick, Relena! You're wearing all pink!" Brian shouted.

"No, I'm not! You wouldn't take doses of pink Pepto-Bismol. The standard color of Pepto-Bismol is green! I'm wearing green," Relena replied.

"Relena, let's have a talk about colors why don't we?"

Relena sighed and said, "I hate discussing colors with people...it depresses me. I'm colorblind, ya know."

Brian seemed to ponder a bit on what Relena said.

"That makes sense now. Relena.... the color you are wearing.... is called pink," Brian said slowly.

"Oh, ok. Wow...so green is like the grass right?" asked the oh-so-intelligent Relena.

"Ri-ight."

"...and sometimes I feel the urge to get married in Westminster Abbey with a bunch of videos recording me and people commenting on how long my train is..." rambled Heero.

Duo and Heero walked down the street to their parked car. Duo got into the driver's seat and started the car and waited for the heater to start working. He popped a cd into the cd player.

"Not this again!" Heero cried in a British accent as the Donnas blasted over the speakers.

Duo began to bounce uncontrollably in his seat.

Heero smacked Duo screaming, "Chachachachachachacha!"

Duo sighed and turned off the Donnas.
"Thanks Heero... I need to control my hyperactivity," Duo said.

Heero replied, "Omae o korosu!"

"What did I do now?"

"Omae o korosu! Chachachachachachachacha! Omae o korosu!" Heero shouted.

"Heero, you okay? I'm not driving us home until you stop doing that," Duo stated matter-of-factly.

"I'm fine.... it must be that tourette's thing that Dr. J told me I have," Heero said as he buckled his seat belt, making sure not to buckle his purse in also.

Heero eyed the radio suspiciously muttering something about society and mankind and turned on the power button. He fumbled until he reached National Public Radio.

"Hi, I'm Rick Dick James Brown and this is NPR news. In a recent interview with political figure, Treize Khushrenada, we found out the dirty details on bridgework. Here's more on the OH MADRE DE DIOS! National Public Radio is being held hostage by...."

Rick Dick James Brown was interrupted as several bullets entered his body. Heero and Duo sat in their overly heated up car, still not quite ready to drive away. Duo's jaw was dropped open like big, man,...like big. A deep voice came over the radio waves greeting the listeners.

The voice said, "I am going to take over NPR to spread the most important news ever! My name is The Great Monkey Destroyer of When Things Glitter During Seasonal Allergies. I suggest you listen to what I have to say, you mortal malacologists! My libido tells me that when the time of feather dancer does occur, we shall all be sucked into the Great Ravioli of Doom...that is unless we activate the sun! If we can somehow send a whole tub of macaroni into the sun to counteract the Ravioli's Sauce of Rawhide that is slowly covering the sun, then we shall be saved. Each electronic hair plug that makes up the sun will be activated and the sun will destroy the Great Ravioli of Doom. I need all of you mortal malacologists to help save the world! Please, I'll be taking pledges and many homemade macaroni pastas. Call NPR's hotline for more information on how you can help. And remember that the SIN button on your calculator will never play the correct penal rendition of edible sugar bees like the * seven chipmunks swinging on a branch, eating sunflowers on my uncle's ranch * button will. Thank you and Good Bread Crustaceous Evening."

A couple of people screamed in the background and gunshots were heard. Duo began to laugh hysterically at the * seven chipmunks swinging on a branch, eating sunflowers on my uncle's ranch * comment. He could not stop laughing. Heero pulled off one of his spandex elbow gloves and hit Duo with it. It did no good; Duo just could not stop laughing.

"That was from 'There's Something About Mary'! This guy is hilarious!" Duo choked out trying not to laugh. He began to laugh again.

"He's not hilarious! He's insane. We really need to go home now, Duo!" Heero shouted.

"Can't.....drive....laughing...." Duo said while (can ya guess....) LAUGHING!

Heero waited calmly and patiently as Duo half laughed half spoke every word of the movie. He claimed that this would get the laughter out of his system and so Heero listened.

".....end credits," Duo said a couple of hours later as he stifled his last giggle.

"Let's go," Heero stated as he smoothed an imaginary wrinkle on his gown.

"Ya know, if you weren't so paranoid about driving, we could have been home by now," Duo said.

"Treason!" shouted Heero as he protectively clutched his diamond necklace.

"Steve, do you ever wish you could go to a deserted island and live in peace?" Relena asked as she scooted a little closer to him.

"Umm... not really," replied the oh-so-fidgety Steve Hewitt.

"Well, I guess drummers as fabulous as you just can't take the peace and quiet of nature. Sometimes music can be just as soothing," purred Relena.

Steve felt incredibly uncomfortable. He did the only thing he knew to do: he turned on the radio to NPR so he could drown out Relena's words...hopefully. "...hair plug that makes up the sun will be activated and the sun will destroy the Great Ravioli of Doom."

He sniffed with disgust and turned the radio off.

"Why don't you go bug Brian or something?" Steve asked Relena.

"He's having sex or something," replied Relena.

"Well, go bug Stefan..."

"He's having sex with Brian or something."

"Sheesh. Well, I feel left out...." Steve said jokingly.

Relena grinned a hentai grin and said, "Oh, Steve, I could change that."

Steve didn't comprehend what she said until he was bound and gagged and it was too late. Relena giggled evilly. 'This is going to be fun,' she thought to herself.

Phone transcript between Trowa Barton and Catherine Bloom:

"I think it's about time I got a change in pay."

"Something wrong with the tic-tacs?"

"No, I love getting paid in tic-tacs....it's just wintergreen is so blah, ya know?"

"You're more of a cinnamon kind of guy, aren't you?"

"Actually, I think I'm more orange-ish."

"Ah, well, I'll give you-know-who a good talking to."

"Catherine, you're a circus slut, aren't you?"

"Damn straight."

"You're a circus slut, and I was once a nameless soldier who once had uncontrollably funky breath."

"Ah...hmmm."

"Catherine?"

"Yes?"

"I love Quatre even though he never took the time to learn German."

"Ah. I think he's good looking, and I'm not just saying that."

"I know you're not just saying that, Catherine. You're a circus slut."

"Ah.... hmmm. Goodnight, Trowa."

"Goodnight, Catherine."

"Let's see.... a member of Placebo or me? I think I'm more believable," said Relena as she put on mascara.

Steve scowled at her and said nothing.

"Besides...You were asking for it," Relena said with a giggle.

Steve scowled and plotted his revenge.

Heero stood in front of the full-length mirror naked and stared at his hair. Duo watched him from the bathroom as he relieved himself.

........

........

"OW!" Duo screamed from the bathroom.

"What happened?" Heero asked from his place at the mirror.

"Zipper problems," was the reply.

"Hn....Duo?"

"Yes?"

"Should I dye my hair Diana-brown?"

"Err...I don't even know what Diana-brown is."

"Flush the toilet, Duo."

Duo flushed the toilet and washed his hands. He walked into the bedroom and barnacalized Heero. Heero immediately forgot about such trivial things as hair dye and pushed Duo up against the wall.

"Remember, Heero...safe sex!" Duo said, trying his hardest not to smile.

"Well, let's make sure that there aren't any Peeping Toms outside our window recording our every move," Heero said with a growl.

"Trowa, I think I have a problem...I really think I have a problem, Trowa," Quatre said as he climbed into bed next to his lover.

"What is it, my sweet one?" Trowa asked as he popped a tic-tac into his mouth.

Quatre sighed and said, "Okay, about four of my sisters have birthdays tomorrow. The only problem is, I can remember their faces, but I can't seem to remember their names and their addresses. I had some really good gifts I wanted to send to them too."

"Why don't you call Wu Fei and ask him?" Trowa suggested.

"How would he help me remember my sisters' names? How would he help me in realizing the names of my sisters?" Quatre asked.

"He's slept with so many of them...." Trowa replied.

"Oh..." Quatre said.

Phone transcript between Quatre and Wu Fei:

"Wu Fei, you been doing my sisters?"

"Yes."

"Oh, okay."

"Is that why you called me at 2 in the morning when you know that not long ago I was delivering a speech on safe sex with many people staring at me?! Injustice."

"No, I called because I need help remembering four of my sisters' names."

"What do they look like?"

"Well, okay one of them has blonde hair and blue eyes...."

"Err..."

"She's really thin..."

"Err..."

"She has a birthmark in the shape of an egg on her hip."

"Oh, her name's Beatrice."

"Beatrice!!!!! Well, duh.... I can't believe I forgot."

"I fight in memory of Nataku."

"That's nice, Wu Fei."

"I will not take part in discussing which females I have had sex with."

"That's nice, Wu Fei.

"Wu Fei likes to speak in third person."

"Hmm...now onto my next sister..."

"Wu Fei is too tired to think."

"Err...."

"Wu Fei goes to sleep and dreams of fighting in Nataku's memory."

"I'll take the hint. I'll take the hint. Goodnight Wu Fei."

Steve stood up from his place behind the drums and walked to the front of the stage. He blew kisses to a bunch of topless girls in the front row. He turned and stared at Relena who was just sort of standing around in some ugly pink outfit and scowled at her.

"How do you people like our new backup singer?" Steve asked the crowd.

"........."

"This is hard for me tell a bunch of strangers, but... She raped me last night...I'm serious. I can't prove it either, which makes me feel sad and vulnerable. You'll just have to take my word for it," Steve announced in a choked voice.

Brian looked at Relena in shock and put his cigarette out on her arm. Stefan walked over to where she was and spit in her eye. Relena began to cry. A bunch of topless girls with "Steve" written across their chests grabbed a huge tomato (they had been saving it for occasions where they might need to save the world) and hurled it at Relena. The heaviness of the tomato caused her light head to sort of fall off. It was a gross scene.

Tour Manager Miranda sighed from backstage as her realist-chibi started to smack her for putting Relena into the show. This was not going to look good to the rest of the world. Miranda grabbed a mop and called an ambulance.

As Miranda mopped up the mess, Brian called for a minute's worth of silence to remember Relena. After the minute was up, they did a nice version of "Ding-dong the witch is dead!" followed by "Scared of Girls".

"Hey, Heero...check out the paper...Relena got beheaded by a tomato at a Placebo concert. Wow, a Queen getting beheaded....how surprising," Duo said as he examined the paper.

Heero read the article over Duo's shoulder. Heero raised his hand protectively to his throat once he realized the horrors of being royalty.
"Holy Jesus on a pogo stick!" Heero shouted in a British accent.

The End

Dead Blush